"Look! It's going to speak!"
"Give it something, throw it some food. Then it'll speak English!"
I imagined the thirty or so Chinese students stood before me, mesmerised by the foreigner in front of them at the first English Corner of the semester, felt they were at language-practice petting zoo.
English Corner is a weekly opportunity for students here to speak with the resident laowai, and to try out the vocabulary they've endlessly drilled in the classroom. I was invited to the first meeting, in front of the library's new giant TV, while Anna judged the final of the Host Competition.
It didn't start well. I arrived to find that the menu offered only Bryan and me and that the other foreign teachers had given their apologies/ made excuses/ avoided the phone calls of invitation. This wasn't a problem to start with - the gathered students were transfixed by the television above, but when it switched off mid-film, I found myself surrounded by an entire class from the Business School, and their teacher.
Feeling the pressure of the sixty eyes focussed on my lips, I picked two random kids at the front.
Before even a native speaker could have replied, their teacher stepped in. "Normally, I think you should give them a topic to discuss." Strike one.
Let's keep things simple: I won't remember thirty names, you're all nineteen-ish, and Chinese, nobody here can say the English name of their major.... "What are your hobbies? Who can tell me about their hobbies?"
"No." Teacher again. "They have already discussed this topic." Strike two.
"Then they should be really good at it."
One girl out of the crowd managed to say she liked poetry, but couldn't name any poets - Chinese or English - remember any poetry at all, and didn't know who Shakespeare was - I thought recommending Larkin would get me in trouble and, as Bryan wrote his Master's thesis on Shakespeare, I hoped I could at least shift one from my audience to his. English Corner is a dog-eat-dog world.
I've no idea how we got to the differences between American and British English, but I know that's when things were the least fun.
"How can the students learn more English?" asked the teacher.
"Find a foreigner, speak with them, they'll..."
"They do not have the opportunity." Strike three, you should be out.
"I'm here, aren't I? I mean, well, I'm often in..."
"Ah. I believe it's 'often'," labouring over the T, "not 'offen'. This is an American pronunciation, yet you are British." That'll be Strike four then.
"You're absolutely right, I'm sorry, I'm a bit tired 'cause I've taught many classes today."
"Ah. I believe it's 'because', and only Americans pronounce it 'cos'" Why bother counting any more?
"Fine. I'm often (loud T) in the cafeteria..."
"Ah. Do you mean 'restaurant'?"
Pointing out that I'm English, so whatever I say - thank you very much - is English if I say it is, and the students would do well to speak more naturally/ less like the robots the Chinese teachers are drilling them into being, were good ideas that I didn't feel voicing there and then would get me very far.
"I am ofTen in the restaurant and would very much appreciate any help with ordering meals in Chinese. If you would like to eat lunch with me and practice English, it would be my pleasure."
"Would it be your treat?" She actually said this.
I have never spoken so correctly, formally and artificially in my life, and after an hour the teacher didn't feel she could pick me up on anything else and sloped off. She was, however, replaced by latecomers, one every five minutes who would interrupt the current conversation - which happened to rely on me making up the possible economic benefits to India of remaining in the Commonwealth - to ask the stock questions "What's your name? Where are you from?" and then wondering off before I'd even answered.
After two hours, I was relieved when Michael - who works in the office - said I could go if I want to. I went straight to the fridge for a cold Kingstar. Funnily enough though, writing this, I actually rather enjoyed meeting new students with a higher level of English and a willingness to discuss something other than daily routine/ favourite colours and whatever else is in Unit Four of the textbook - even a bit of politics, which is rare. So I think I'll go back.
I'm just glad that I'm not contracted to do it again until next month ;)
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